For what is essentially a television show, it's not enough to be passionate about music and really want it. Determination in this instant does not pay off, when there is such a small pidgeon hole of images that they look for. The only value this has in such a show is that it is used against you, and for the purpose of ratings, so many dreams are shattered and so many wonderful personalities and talented people are ridiculed, for the simple reason, that it makes for good television in this age of so-called reality. I for one have copped this first hand, year after year as I subjected myself, willingly to the abuse of my character.
I have come away in tears and feeling very down on myself and thinking that I was not good enough to make it in such an industry as the pop music scene. This year however, against my better judgement, I went back, to what I consider my abuser, thinking that I had the answers. I thought about the sorts of songs that I was best suited for, that would not only entertain the judges and get my foot in the door, but would entertain the Australian public. Mentally I ticked all the boxes and I felt fortunate to to have an opportunity to prove to the judges that I am serious about my craft and that I had heeded their constructive points, above the slamming of my personality and understood what it was they wanted from me. Like every other time I had that glimmer of hope that this was the year I would progress further and that the top hundred was well within my grasp.
What was different though was that I was going in there with my eyes open, with the knowldge that a show such as this isn't about talent but good television and ratings. This year I was going to milk it. So I played the game. I answered the questions and really put my personality out there, really emphasising that I had developed a thick skin.
This year I walked in there with a sense of self worth. I also had a score to settle. Every insult that was thrown at me I dished it back at them. I was not going to show weakness. I stood my ground and although I didn't get put through to the top hundred, I walked away feeling like a winner. I played their game and I didn't even crack. I looked my abusers in the eyes and told them exactly what I thought, and that their comments had no bearing how I feel about myself. I fought a good fight and then walked away with my head held high. In my mind, I have won and that is all that counts.
My mug will be on television, probably not in the most favourable light, but to the people who know me, that won't matter. I have their respect and their love. For those who don't know me, it won't matter how they see me based on how a television show constructs my image.
